Are people with “addiction” unlovable?
You are either reading this because that question really pissed you off or you are really struggling to find ways to love a person with addiction right now and wondering the same thing, even if it’s hard to admit or you aren’t quite as blunt about it.
But here’s the thing, not very many people would say a person with addiction doesn’t DESERVE love, outright in that way; but let’s explore what loving someone means. Love means unconditional love. Love means to respect and honor the strengths, needs, and desires of a person without trying to change their needs, desires, and who they are, as a person.
And that person being the person right now, the one standing in front of you (not the future, potential *sober* person you see and want to believe in).
Most often folks that are hurt by someone’s addiction or the person has done some kind of “wrong” towards a family member due to addiction, there is a shift in how the person is respected and shown love. The person’s desire to get high is not respected, their need for love, attention, affection, and support is taken away or stopped because of the hard feelings held for the “addiction” or the behaviors from addiction.
Even more often there is shaming and rejection due to addiction, especially in slips and relapses. The person gets sober for awhile and they slip and all the sudden, they are shamed, rejected, outcasted again.
This is not love, this is conditional love which is not truly love at all.
That is “I love you if you are convenient and easy to love”. That has the vibe of “I love you when it’s convenient for me”.
I know what you’re thinking: “but giving and giving to someone that takes and takes and abuses me isn’t ok either” and to that I say YES! That is also true!
And that type of love is codependency. True love and codependency are 2 very different things.
Codependency has this vibe of “I will sacrifice myself in order to help you get better” and true love is “I will love myself first, and with a healthy love, I can love with boundaries and respect for you and your choices”. Codependency means you have to be “This way” because I sacrificed in order for you to be that way” whereas true love is “I can share my love for you in ways that are supportive and loving for you AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW without sacrificing myself or my happiness and wellbeing”.
So loving the person now…. That takes looking beyond all the “mistakes” and things you dislike about a person’s choice to use substances and finding the good in them, finding the strengths and positive things about them RIGHT NOW, giving them support, attention, affection, and love in ways that are NOT sacrificial but rather freely given without expectations or strings attached (such as being sober).
Sometimes, finding something as small as “I am really appreciating that you are safe right now” and avoiding all the “go get treatment”, “you need help”, “you are messing up” statements is all you can muster, then that’s PROGRESS!
So, is a person with addiction unlovable? NEVER. But they are unloved because of hurt and pain and unhealthy love dynamics, expectations, and lack of boundaries. A person with substance use needs even more love because love is healing. Love is medicine! But it has to be a love that heals and love in a way that can make a person feel better, not worse.
Ditch the shaming and lack of love for your loved one with addiction. Learn ways to love with boundaries, self-respect, and respect for who they are NOW in my FREE Love with Boundaries for Addictions Masterclass on Tues April 21st 2023, from 3:30-5pm central.
Register here on Eventbrite
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/love-with-boundaries-for-addictions-masterclass-tickets-568815561657
Like my facebook page and connect with me on LinkedIn or sign up for my newsletter
